a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
