On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
dude. I can hear the air.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
