This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this will be a night to untag.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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