guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
