If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
