I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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