remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
