hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
