no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
