Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
