two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize