She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I will pee on everything he values.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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