Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
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You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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