What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
