Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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