My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
