good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
