so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
