Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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