I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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