All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
