You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
