I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
