I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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