Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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