He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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