how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
