tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think my moral compass just broke
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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