yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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