I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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