Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
