im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
