Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
