I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
