He uses pillows to masturbate.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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