Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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