so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
