I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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