i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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