Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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