I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
