um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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