I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
