Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
