I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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