I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
