The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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