I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
