I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
