Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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