Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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