i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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