Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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