Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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