my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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