he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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