Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
