My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
