it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Green mimosas i think yes
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
