the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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