I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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