I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i drank out of a bidet.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
