Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
